Family?

Ruminations after time with my grandsons

I don’t remember a time when I didn’t understand the tension between career success and a healthy, engaged family life. My dad was always an intensely motivated and ambitious person. This impelled him to forge a successful career in the U.S. Navy, in one of its most demanding fields—Nuclear Propulsion.

Among his many accomplishments, for five years, he worked as one of “Rickover’s Snakes.” He was a 20-something, NCO with a direct line to Admiral Hyman Rickover. He had a mandate for perfection and a direct line to THE old man who was demanding to the point of tyranny. However, the work was a “pressure cooker” and many people subjected to extreme, sustained stress will act out in unhealthy ways.

This was during my elementary school years, when we hope children’s lives will be mostly carefree and happy. I had some of that, but also, I dreaded weekends and evenings. My young sisters and I regularly asked our mom, “Does dad have dooty?” We asked because it meant he was away overnight and we could be relaxed and normal. No fear. No tension. No walking on eggshells. No harsh treatment.

I resolved very early to do things differently if and when I became a father. My wife’s childhood was even more difficult. When we married, beyond the routine ceremonial oaths, we made two commitments: The only way out was in a box (i.e.: work it out so divorce isn’t necessary). And, we would break the cycle of abuse.

We put our marriage and our kids’ welfare first. Our home was the hub around which the rest of our lives rotated. Now, many years later, I see our grandsons and know we succeeded. Even better, I am confident their grandchildren will know similar happiness.

I can think of nothing better. As for “doing it right,” it’s actually more about not doing certain things wrong. Put simply, (as much as possible) don’t be a jerk with your spouse and kids. And when we inevitably are a jerk, own up to it. Seek forgiveness, and continually improve.

Our children will raise their children well and our names will be blessed long after we’re gone.

P.S.: My dad and I reconciled decades ago and enjoy a warm, healthy relationship.